The State of Affairs
Updated: Mar 5, 2019
Human nature and its rules, expectations, and morals templates...its cheating on your partner or spouse an inhuman behavior after all? Our society is strongly stating that is NOT! But let us take a closer look to this harrowing and yet predominant hot of the press reality. Our prehistoric ancestors soon discovered sex with or without love, however contemporary cultures share a link between Love and Sex. Let us start from the very beginning such as at the time of our birth when we have to start to make relationships. As young human beings we learn about attachment, comfort and food. By loving and being loved we enter the core of social interactions, where we can feel the importance of living a relationship to our survival and mental well being. Any rapport between individuals is referred to as “social behaviour” which includes social interaction, relationship forming, and behavioural development, this by definition can be specified as a relationship.
The fundamental basis for all relationships are those features of passion, commitment, closeness, early experiences in relationships, emotional needs, and ability to communicate. Relationships go through a series of stages as they mature we meet other people and feel an initial attraction, often starting on physical attraction, beauty and similarity. We become increasingly interdependent as we reveal more and more about our private selves, we get irritated by one another, but the more pleasant aspects may well keep the bond going. Longer-term commitments are made, such as marriage. The partnership enters what may be a life-long stable connection...or so it seems to be.
Unfortunately fairy tales are not as common as people may think! Marriages have a trend nowadays of keep breaking, ties becoming loose very quickly, morals are ditched, and partners get hurt on each side. Men and women do cheat for a variety of reasons as well as being very similar indeed! The classic cheating men stereotype reason - nagging partner /wife - need to get out of here kinda of scenario is a rare one, men have affairs for different reasons:
Men psychical needs have to be met
Men are visual creatures thus their immediate satisfaction is by browsing dating and or porn websites, whereby the instant gratification for the most morals holders it offers a silver service from the comfort of their couch.
Men have emotional needs too!
On the contrary men DO have emotional needs too! The general conception being men tough and insensitive, remember Big Boys Don't Cry! actually men do feel the need to connect, or perhaps they are secretly gay thus married into the wrong partnership, their partner being emotionally unavailable.
Women have affairs too
The reason women stray away from their marriage /partnership is to fulfill their own needs, equally for a physical connection although can also be defined into an emotional connection, the need to feel desired, no neglected or relegate to the social and patriarchal reality of - lets face I don't wish to sound an uber feminists..but! - child rearing, nurturing and educational well being is down right to the female side of the family. Since the Stone Age the women were gathering in groups, share the daily tasks, looked after each other children, communicated their needs, and emotions. The men were gathering the hunt, grouping up strategically, mindfully focused on the challenge ahead. Fast forward to the 21st century and we have the ladies changing their views on intimate relationships, lifestyles changes dramatically apply more pressure to the expected outcomes of individual roles.
Women enter an affair feeling intimately lonely, disregarded, suffer from low self esteem, perhaps they married too young and there is a trigger to revisit lost opportunities, embracing a sense of new adventure, feeling alive again while being bathed by male attention their love tank being filled up again to the brim.
Romantic love and caring for each other is indeed a long lasting successful recipe for couples to stay together. Affairs and cheating behaviors are the result of a profound lack of communication, loss of interest to problem solving, wish to escape boredom.
Monika Bassani offers counselling in West Norwood South East London.