Updated: Mar 5, 2019
As children we need to feel loved and protected by our parents, our self esteem and well being depends entirely on their skills as our independence develops. We live in a society which values is uphold on the omnipotence of parental authority, whereby is acceptable to express anger at our partners, lovers, siblings, bosses, and friends alike. The taboo is where to show assertiveness to our parents it falls into a confrontational arena.
Abusive parents turns to their children in a reverse dynamics of natural progress, they turn to the child for reassurance, comfort, and nurturing treating the child as an adult instead of respecting those boundaries. The child fear of abandonment is the their response to abuse, this turns into compliance, sense of guilt, shame and often it becomes a fertile ground for that powerful and most primitive psychological defense: Denial. At first it feels like a relief, but is a temporary solace at best, it also interferes with your memories, with the reconstructions of your history, and narrative leaving you feeling doubtful of yourself or even if it has actually ever took place or was just a bad dream.
The system of Denial is also used by your parents who will exercise their own method of copying by deflecting the truth of their own actions, they may insist in saying that "its wasn't so bad" or "it didn't happen that way" or even and this is the most harmful projection of denial "it did't happen at all!" By undercutting your sense of self - esteem and ability to perceive the reality of those toxic experiences you have been subjected to, making it all mu ch harder to processing the rebuilding of your own self - worth.
Denial, self - worth, feeling doubtful, undermining your self, finding "reasons" why your mother or father have been inflicting abuse - physical, emotional, and sexual this being the ultimate betrayal- upon yourself it causes you to feel intimidated by, wrapped up in guilt causing psychological separation, developing into further emotional difficulties within your own self, drifting away from your own established relationships, feeling depressed and tearful at all times.
The path to recovery is possible it will be an arduous task, can be frustrating, it will make you feel very angry but with the realization that you can take personal responsibility, build those boundaries it will optimize the journey to recovery.
Monika Bassani counselling in West Norwood South East London.