Updated: Sep 6, 2022
An intimate relationship potentially offers the basis for safety and containment for both partners, but when evokes feelings too powerful to be processed, or toxic to be contained it becomes a painful paradox for those who are living these dynamics, this effect any insecure attached partners, particularly for those avoidant individuals who they are often in denial that there is a problem that needs to be addressed, this reflect on any couples who aspire monogamy from same sex couples to heterosexual, equally.
Bolwby in his theories asserted, and research affirm this, that attachment needs a lifelong driver; in adults relationships the longing for a mate is based on the search for a secure base, the relationship itself provokes functions as a container, to this we seek proximity to our partners when we are in distress and equally, we protest at separation (for example following a divorce or death).
On the other spectrum of attachment styles in relationships the Secure Attachment implies responses and accessibility for and to the partner and the degree of reciprocity and flexibility in being with each other when seeking support; the ideal fit between care - giving and care - seeking styles will be instrumental for the building of a trust base, however, the lack of both skills - care giving and care seeking are both significant to the avoidant partner thus how they reinforced the defensive pattern becoming reinforced, while lowering the expectations of partnership.
The defensive actions of self, the mis attunement provides specifics elements to this type of attachment, providing the partner only needs instrumental help, an avoidant person can actually perform rather well in an intimate relationship, at times where the rapport becomes captured in elements of distress (such as loss ) the avoidant partners lacks the capacity to show and offer comfort as they need to regulate themselves in the light of this type of instability, they doing so by withdrawing, by minimizing the feeling and the meaning for their partner to be sufficiently held with compassion they instead divert the attention from the needs of their partner, they may offer support only to eliminate the nuisance and to avoid emotional repercussions.
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