• Monika Bassani

The Avoidant Partner

Updated: Aug 24, 2019

By first reading this heading it may suggest how our partners avoid taking the bins out - which is a pretty recurrent household grumble, however in this case is about the Avoidant Attachment style present in those individuals that show an incapacity in maintaining close relationships, and for that matter to show their emotions.

What is it an Avoidant style?

John Bowlby the British psychiatrist and psychoanalyst built an extensive research on child development, the child responses to separation from the mother and conditions leading to responses. Attachment is a special emotional relationship that involves an exchange of comfort, care and pleasure the lasting connectedness between human beings as Bowlby would advocate in his theories. The causes of an Avoidant Attachment Style are rooted in childhood experiences of losses or other trauma, such as sexual abuse, prolonged separation from the main career also elicit the threat of being abandoned causing dysfunctional responses and self preservation behaviour, one of this leading to be uncertain of affections not being able to show emotions, neglect, emotional harassment, witnessing domestic violence or be the victim of such a detrimental behaviour could also be a factor causing emotional detachment in the individual.

Those people who have developed an Avoidant style have mixed feelings about their relationship, while they desire closeness they also feel uncomfortable with emotional intimacy, they often viewing themselves negatively while do not trust the intentions of the attachment figure, this to be their partner, carer, close friend, family member.

The Avoidant partner has learnt how to manage and to appreciate their own independence this of course impact on the relationship in terms of communication and emotions sharing, by keeping a distant behaviour they preserve themselves from exposing their feelings and emotions thus becoming vulnerable which they fear of immensely, lack of trust is a learnt behaviour, those early childhood experiences have defined their inner belief and sense of individuality.

The characteristics of an Avoidant attachment in couples results with the adult being reluctant to become close to their partner, they invest little emotions in social or romantic relationships, they are unable or unwilling to share thoughts and feelings to their loved ones. Although they love their partners those early childhood experiences have defined their inner belief, they inevitably become emotionally detached.

Patience and consistency is one of the most efficient ways to show your significant other how much they mean to you. It might take time but hopefully

they will be much more prone to accept your closeness and affection. And last but not least, if this is not working out you should seek professional help.

#relationships #premarriagecounselling #blogginginwestnorwood #monikabassanicounselling


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