The Crucial Topics of Arguments
Couples may argue about the same issues from time to time or even every time, but they argue about the same types. Identifying the core of them is essential for a smoother communication, to break the cycle most importantly.
Trust V Mistrust
Usually the readily statement "you don't trust me!" pops up in arguments if the other person is trying to keep a short leash; but let dig into the deeper layers of such a communication: does the other person drags behind them past issues? Unresolved childhood adversities? Or do they experience a betrayal from their partner, such as an affair.
Appreciation V Expectations:
This can take many forms of disagreement from domestic chores - one persone feels they do the workload whilst the other is getting away lightly, and not receiving any appreciation for the hard work from their partner; one partner is paying majority of bills, the list can cover many different aspects of a couple domesticity.
Respect V Disrespect
This includes name calling, humiliating behaviours, nagging, emotional abuse, making fun of your partner. The general notion of "I am adult I can swear if I want to" or use sarcasm, it usually starts with a lighthearted teasing only to ending up too far when someone gets hurt, their feelings are bruised, boundaries breached. Regardless the intention these types of behaviour need to be stopped, immediately to approach a solution reasonable for both needs to be talked over and agreed.
Unity V Discord
Usually this happen when couples have disagreement about what it means to be in a relationships / marriage. Arguments as such usually involve with other people interfering in the couple dynamics, decision, and communication styles, or not being unified strongly enough to show a strong unity to those in laws, boundaries crossing friends, colleagues who claim to have the person involved in the relationship interest a heart. Conflict do arise when the couple has children. These can lead to cross communication, mistakes, minimize friends or family negative behaviours and bad mouthing their partner. This can only abound to a breakup of the relationship, strong boundaries must be in place, the couple should keep their personal matters to themselves and not to give the family any ammunitions to interfere, if necessary to reach out to a therapist for support.
Closeness V Avoidance
Another conflict I find in couple therapy is when one partner wishes for closeness while the other wants more independence or is not willing to be physically and or emotionally close. The Pursuer of closeness reacts to the avoidant by making them feel guilty, hence they both fall into the trap of where each worsen the other 's behaviour.
Finances V Short Long Term Security
Money is often a distinctive and painful element in all relationships, money controls our lives, dictate how nay times we deserve to take break, how much can we afford a new fridge! All couples have a Spender and Saver each of them organizing the finances based on short term strategists and long-term ones, however, there re pros and cons to each strategy, so which is better, and which is worse? often a conflictual issue that appear in couple counselling: how to allocate their money.
Sex! My Needs V You Needs
THE hot spot here! Couples often disagree about how often, the quality or the frequency of them having sex. I have worked with couples who also discussed the quality of their sexual life alongside other issues such as low libido, erectile dysfunction, depression, menopause. Sexless relationship does not usually start that way, in my work with couples I find the pattern of decline into the established relationship it usually begin to show after the couple had children, statistically the partner with greater sex drive is the man, (initiator) the one with less desire is the woman who, in terms of keeping the security of the relationship intent to give in more often, however, as the relationship is consumed and times changes - as well as personal and physical aspects- dynamics too, take a turn the partner keeps repeatedly rejected, eventually the couple settles for a sexless routine of work, eat, sleep.
The sting of rejection is enough a sparkle killer. The couple will have to explore aspects of personal needs and how their expectations are met, the assumption that needs are to be fulfilled BECAUSE they are in a relationship is fundamentally incorrect. Men and women are different, (gay couples too are not exempted from conflicts) they have different needs and different physiological structures.
The key is in being aware of what is needed and how to solve it. Reach out.
Monika Bassani Counselling | Counselling for Anxiety, Depression, Trauma, Narcissistic Abuse, Relationships, Childhood Adversities, Couple Counselling, Bereavement and more
Mob: 07506 790316 | firstname.lastname@example.org | www.monikabassanicounselling.com