To Argue or How Not To Argue
Updated: Jul 31
Let's talk about the nuts and bolts of arguing: in any conflict there is a context, feelings are shared, and emotions run high. To tackle the differences, it is important to know how you feel about the context and to be able to share that, with your companion, parent, boss and a friend. The next step i s to take the other person's feeling into consideration, to acknowledge their side of the story, too. Whilst finding out about differences and working through them is about to comprehend and to compromise, not about winning.
Starting by speaking in I-s statement not You - statements, owning your own feelings and finding out about acknowledging your interlocutor's feelings usually is the best way to deal with the inevitable differences that arise. Below is a is a list of suggestions to take eon board:
1 - Acknowledge your feelings and consider the other person's feeling, too. Do not make yourself "right" and the other person "wrong" or "clever" or the other person "stupid", instead think in terms of how you each feel.
2- Define yourself and not the other, speak in I - statements and not You - statements, as this usually unleash those Horses of the Apocalypse - Criticism, Contempt and Blame.
3 - Do not react, instead Reflect you dont have to reflect always before reacting but, if you feel annoyed or angry, take a break and try to understand the reason/s behind it.
4 - Embrace Vulnerability, rather than fearing it. Allow yourself to be vulnerable, explore who you are, vocalize those thought and feeling with it.
5 - Do not assume or presume the intent of the other person, wrong way to go! Without projecting on each other, admit how and where you go t it wrong and ask how can be of support to your partner.
The cornerstone of negotiation, share of feelings, reflections of one behaviour and equally the other person's behaviour as how and why caused you to react or think or behave that way is the foundation of functional relationships.
It's never too late to start this way of interacting.
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